Roy's Journal
by agent000
Summary: Roy writes some rather disturbing things in his journal...
1. Chapter 1

**_Well, one of my friends told me that she was going to make me write and then shoved the computer at me, so I kind of had to even though I had no idea what to write about, hence the nonsense that follows. This is the result of someone coming out of writer's block and not yet taking writing seriously again, hehe._**

**_Anyway, I had never written from Roy's POV before, so I figured I might as well give it a shot, even if I'm writing crack and so making the character a bit twisted. Roy makes for a very seriously insane crack fic though. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and hopefully I can get back into the swing of writing a lot soon._**

**_Disclaimer: I haven't done one of these in ages, so I'm a bit rusty at creative disclaimers. ((Holds up disclaimer covered with rust.)) See what I mean? The "don't" has been rusted over leaving just, "I own Fullmetal Alchemist", though I might be okay with that._**

June 28th, --- Uh, I forget the year. It doesn't really matter anyway, as I'm probably going to die soon. I guess breeding Ishbalan penguins was a bad idea. They turn against their owners at such a young age, and all because I tried to explain to them that fish don't naturally grow in the desert and so shouldn't be part of their diet. I'm not sure how I would've grown fish even if they hadn't been in the desert though. Are there such things as fish seeds?

And then Mr. I-am-so-full-of-metal-that-I-even-have-it-in-my-name didn't help the situation. He just laughed at me. _Laughed!_ What kind of treatment is that for his all around overseer? Some subordinate he is. I'll make sure he never gets promoted. Not until he respects the fine art of penguin breeding.

And before you laugh, yes, it really is an art. Have you ever tried to milk a penguin? No? Well there you have it. And let me tell you, it's not pretty. People think this eye patch came from the casualties of war. Oh no. It is the result of a much greater evil. I wear it as a badge of pride. I have met the enemy and have returned alive to tell about it, though now my dreams are troubled with black and white.

I seem to be writing as though I expect someone to read this later. Maybe I've gained some sort of psychic precognition due to penguin bite, or maybe it's just a symptom of penguin dementia that has left me forgetting that this journal doesn't understand a word I say. Whatever it is, leave MetalBrain out of this. He'll just volunteer the second option. He doesn't respect The Penguin.

The Penguin is not something to be taken lightly. The Penguin is almighty. It sees all, it knows all, and it does all to anyone who dares to transgress. The Penguin must be feared. And revered. The Penguin must be feared-revered.

And once you've feared-revered The Penguin, you must grow a beard, and therefore obtain the mark of the feared-revered-beard. This earns a cry of delight from The Penguin, and you can rest in peace knowing that they have feared-revered-beard-cheered.

Though if you have poor taste in beards, they'll likely alter their cry into the feared-revered-weird-beard-cheered, which is less common, and not as desirable as the standard version. All the same, it at least means they won't steal your lunch. Not today, anyway.

But take my advice, if they _do_ steal your lunch, don't watch them. The last thing you want to get is the feared-revered-weird-beard-cheered-peered. If you do this, they will lunge at you and give you a deadly dose of Penguinitis as they nip you to death. You can temporarily thwart death by steering away from them, or the feared-revered-weird-beard-cheered-peered-steered, but death is imminent once The Penguin has set eyes on you.

The Penguin has taken over my life. I cannot escape it, and Mr. MetalArm has no clue what I am going through. I am going insane! The Penguin has taken control!

Until next time,

Roy Mustang

**P.S. Colonel, you're not going insane, you've been insane, at least as long as I've known you. ---Ed**

P.P.S. Ah, that explains where my insanity came from. Thank you, Fullmetal.

**P.P.P.S Where did your insanity come from? Oh, wait. Nevermind. Lame. I'm gonna go see what Al's doing now. You creep me out.**

P.P.P.P.S. My work is done.

**_So is Roy sane or not? Eh... even I'm not sure anymore. You decide. Let me know if you like this enough to want me to continue this or if just the one journal entry is enough, because I have no plans either way. Suggestions are good too. Thanks for reading, and see you all later!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Okay... most of the people who read the last chapter absolutely loved it and wanted this to continue for some reason. Why, I'm not quite sure, but I suppose I can oblige since it's fairly easy to write. I admit I was a little distracted while I wrote this one, so forgive me if it isn't as amusing as the last one, though you can be the judge of that. Feel free to give me feedback on what you'd like to see. In any case, enjoy!_**

**_Disclaimer: Hmmm... why do we put these here again? I thought the point of writing fanfiction was to write about characters I clearly don't own, but maybe someone changed the rules on me. Explain it to me if the poles have shifted and changed the copyright law and I didn't notice._**

June 29th, from the same year as the last entry. I think this journal has the power to make one forget the year they are bound to during the time one spends writing in it. It's a magic journal. It lets one forget the scourge of The Penguin. Oh great, now I've remembered it. Oh well. I guess a magic journal can't do everything.

But a magic journal can still do a lot, like make people seriously wonder if you're insane if they happen upon your entry about the wonders of desert penguins. That should teach them not to venture onto holy ground. Any ground blessed by The Penguin is considered sacred.

But who am I kidding? Fullmetal will find this soon enough. I suppose it doesn't help that I leave it out on my desk open to the last page I wrote on, but that's beside the point. It's his fault if he reads it and finds himself possessed by The Penguin.

Before you know it, he'll be thinking penguiny thoughts and dreaming penguiny dreams. He may even start to look like a penguin. Have you wondered where my hair came from? Despite my appearance, it did not come from Xing, so get all thoughts of Xingese heritage out of your head. This black hair was a gift from the Heavenly Penguin, and I dare not mock what the Lord Penguin has given me. If Fullmetal joins the Penguin Army and becomes a true follower of The Penguin, then he will be granted the Body of the Penguin, which enables him to behave as The Penguin and not as a lowly human. He could use a change in hair color anyway.

What say you, Edward the Tiny, will you join me in my holy cause and help me fight the anti-Penguinists for the good of all Penguinkind? Will you help me rally the masses as we fight for Penguin goodness, justice, and free fishes for all? Will you stand by my side as we take down the enemy by beak and talon?

The Penguin is destined to control this world. It is wise to join them before this happens and therefore avoid being trampled beneath penguin feet in their rush to their next fishy feeding frenzy. Those who do not will bear the consequences of their sins and burn in the depths of Antarctica for all eternity.

I pray for the salvation of your soul, Edward, so think carefully on this matter. I know you're reading this.

**P.S. Now I remember why I avoid religion like the plague. Thank you for reminding me. ---Ed**

**_Thanks for reading, and see you all again soon. For those of you who want to answer, here's a question: should I keep Roy ranting about penguins or should he rant about other stupid things? If other stupid things, are there any good suggestions? I don't yet know where I'm going with this, hehe. Just being random at the moment._**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Every time one makes a claim that they own Fullmetal Alchemist when they don't, it makes Roy laugh. I'm not sure if this is a good thing.**_

June 30th, from this mysterious year that remains hidden in the masses of time. Or hidden in the Penguin's belly. I mean bellows. Hidden in the Penguin's bellows. Didn't think penguins had bellows? There are some mysteries to the universe that we do not understand, and it is not for us to know, because the Lord Penguin has not seen fit to reveal his secrets to us.

The Lord Penguin loves all of us equally, but has a requirement that we all give a tithe of fish. This must be a freewill offering. The Lord Penguin will not accept angry fish. Angry fish are those from the domain of his arch-nemesis, the Pelican. Serve the Lord Penguin before the Pelican unleashes his angry fish on you and you die in a fit of fish flopping misery.

I will quote from the sacred Penguin writings:

"In the beginning was the Penguin, and the Penguin was hungry, and the Penguin wanted fish.

"So the Penguin squawked, and there was fish, and they flopped around outer space until the Penguin realized that this was not good, so the Penguin squawked again, and there was water.

"And the water wobbled around outer space, and the fish did swim, but had no gravity to direct their course and so could not stay in the wobbled water, and the Penguin realized this was not good.

"So the Penguin did squawk again, and there was land, balanced by three elephants, and a tortoise. And the water did settle, and the fish did swim happily, but not for long, because the Penguin gobbled them up.

"And the Penguin got sick, and knew this was not good, and so the Penguin did hurl. And the hurl became the asteroid belt.

"Then the Penguin squawked again, and again he created fish, and he also created man, to hold him back from eating too many fish so that not too many asteroid belts would be created.

"The Penguin looked down at the world, and saw that it was empty of many things one might need to survive, and so he squawked, and everything else in the universe was created. And he said it was all very good.

"So he sat down and ate a huge meal of fish. And after this, he rested, for he was too sick to get out of bed."

There it is, perfect in its reason and an adequate explanation of where we came from. These people who claim we came from monkeys don't know what they're talking about. We came from penguins! The sacred writings are completely accurate in their scientific data. Have we ever proved that the earth really doesn't rest upon three elephants and a tortoise? I don't think so. There have been many earthquakes this year. We must pray to the great Penguin to give the elephants some peanuts so they will calm down and stop causing earthquakes. He is so high up that he is a little hard of hearing, so we must rally as many as possible to our side to make our cry heard.

And avoid the Pelican at all costs. Especially you, Edward. You look like you belong to the Pelican's army. You might even be a Pelican yourself. Begone, you foul being! I command you in the name of the Penguin! You cannot win!

**P.S. So you're still on your penguin kick, huh? I guess I can't fight it. Fine, I'm a pelican if you so insist.**

P.P.S. I knew it! We must eradicate this evil at once! Someone poison his angry fish!

**P.P.P.S. Yeah, I think that tuna they served for lunch was a little past its prime. I think I need to take something to soothe my stomach.**

P.P.P.P.S Another victory scored for the Penguin.

_**So there you have it, folks! This is Roy when he's high on penguins! ...though I have no idea how one gets high on penguins. I guess he found a way. Don't repeat his mistake, please! He's scary enough on his own, hehe. Anyway, thanks for reading, and see you later!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Here's me trying to escape from the worst writer's block I've EVER had, so hopefully this helps a bit. Hope you like this chapter. Seemed like the easiest thing to come back into writing with to start.**_

_**Disclaimer: Ed would rather own me than have me own him, unless I gave him chocolate every day as a condition of letting me own him, which I can't afford, so I can't say I own him. Sorry guys!**_

June 31st, from the mysterious year that no one knows. So mysterious that June 31st actually exists. It's an amazing year, with an amazing journal, enslaved to an amazing penguin god.

Slavery is something no one can escape. It is just part of the human condition. We were meant to be slaves, as any human knows. That is all we're good for, being the brawn and letting someone else think for us. Why do you think we all have bosses we subjugate to?

But we can choose our slave master, and I have chosen The Penguin. Such a better choice than those unfortunate souls who have chosen The Pelican as their master. They have no idea what they're getting into. The Pelican promises unlimited angry fish, and then eats it all himself and wonders why his slaves are so upset with them. He never learns, just does it again and again. And then he steals fish from The Penguin, which makes The Penguin run short on fish too, so the Great Penguin is also unable to dispense fish to his followers, but we forgive him this problem, knowing that The Pelican is at fault..

How I long for the day when The Pelican will once and for all be defeated. We must rally our forces together and destroy anything that looks like it might be a pelican, even if it's just one of The Pelican's followers. They are assisting The Pelican in getting his angry fish, and therefore depriving the followers of The Penguin of their rightful inheritance. We must conquer! We must prevail! We must not let this unjustice go unpunished!

Followers of The Pelican, Edward in particular, repent of your evil ways and convert to the ways of The Penguin, or I will be forced to smite you with old fish skeletons and Penguin hurl. You have been forewarned. Change your ways before The Penguin's wrath is unleashed upon you!

**P.S. Yep, you're just as weird as ever. And why is your journal still in June? It's February!**

P.P.S. Hush, foul one! Do not profane the name of The Penguin with your blasphemy!

**P.P.P.S Blasphemy? It's just a stupid date on the page! A stupid **_**wrong**_** date.**

P.P.P.P.S. Vile creature, child of The Pelican. Smite him, O Lord Penguin!

**P.P.P.P.P.S. Um... Should I say 'ow'?**

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. The Penguin hears my prayers, and answers.

_**Hope that was decent and that you liked it. Either way, feel free to leave feedback if you feel like it. Some encouragement and some ideas to get past my writer's block would be nice if you have anything to say r**_**e**_**garding that, but if not, I hope you at least had fun reading this. This bout of writer's block has made me absolutely MISERABLE! Hopefully that's over with. We'll see...**_

_**Anyway, take care, and hope to see you back here soon!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Okay, here I am, trying to write again just to strengthen my muscles. Hope it's good enough. Feel free to give me feedback if you wish.**_

_**Disclaimer: I asked Ed whether I owned him or not, and Roy said, "Yes!" I assume that means no.**_

June 32nd-I refuse to heed the false claims of that Pelican servant, Edward, who claims that not only does June not continue this long, but that it has not been June for a long, long time. Of course it's still June. Why else would I write it in my journal?

Which brings me to the next point of business. The Penguin has given me a message to spread through all the land in a celebration of his goodness and fishiness. It has been decreed by the Lord Penguin that every year, on the 32nd day of June, we are to partake of a fish feast, and that there is to be dancing and rejoicing throughout the land. He has imparted to me the exact details of how this is to be carried out, but I think Hawkeye threw the specifications into the trash. She will burn in the depths of Antarctica for that.

Which means we will have to guess and hope that the Lord Penguin takes it anyway as our noble sacrifice and humble offering of love. Bring all your fish to the town square, and we will all partake of the feeding of the Lord Penguin until he is completely full and a bit sick, and after which, we may eat whatever he has either left behind or vomited up.

The next day is to be a day of fasting and moaning on the streets, though I don't think anyone will have a problem with keeping this day as directed, since that is the natural reaction to overeating at a feast of The Penguin.

Tell everyone you know, and bring them to the feast! Let it be known now and forevermore that the 32nd day of June is a day of FISHINESS!

_P.S. So now you're damning me to the depths of Antarctica, Colonel? That doesn't seem to be a very humane way to treat your subordinates._

P.P.S. Lt. Hawkeye? What are you doing, writing in my journal? That's Edward's job. Get out of there!

**P.P.P.S. Lt. Hawkeye asked me to inform you that you're crazy, Colonel. I told her that I'd been trying to get you to realize this, but she thought I ought to say so anyway.**

P.P.P.P.S. Well, you can tell _her_ that I am of a completely sound mind, and in fact have never felt better than I have since finding The Penguin.

**P.P.P.P.P.S. Why do I have to be the middleman here? Why don't you just tell her yourself?**

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Because, Fullmetal, she's not allowed in my journal.

**P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. And I am? Geez, I should find something else to do if it's suddenly **_**okay**_** for me to do this. You're no fun.**

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I am TOO fun, you metal-man! You come back here and fight like the Pelican you are!

_P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Edward said you requested my presence in your journal, Sir._

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S !

_**Hope that was decent. I can't always tell whether I'm being funny or not, but you can be the judge I guess. Let me know what you think and if you have any more ideas on Roy rants. It's getting tricky to think of things he should rant about.**_


End file.
